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Monday, September 21st, 2009
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I've work so hard and so long to be where i stand
but even in standing i find it hard to dig myself out of my grave
ever day i reminded of where i've been and what i've done...
tracy said it best i do have a big heart but it so embedded in scars that i don't let it out
like it funny my fist are cover is scars and they don't bleed anymore... so why should i let my
heart do such... Things have been getting better with tracy and i
it's funny that when you notice the non touching or hand gesters
and then it starts happening again the sparks that you feel
I love this girl more then i've loved other and i know thats hard to say but it's true.,..
usually when something happens in a negative fashion i would just break out in
a verbal assualt but i can't with her to see her hurt is like a deep burning that i never want
yes here and there we will fight it enable everyone fights and not everyone agree but i've never been so able to talk tosomeone
like i do with her... i just wish i could lay my burden down and become a really nice guy
it's funny she can see right threw my bullshit and see what i'm truly feeling...
She is my weakness and i have no problem admitting it
This room i'm in right now is not comfortable it's is a room that i can remember sitting in the conor next to the closet
bleeding from more then just my arms other places... i was so lost and when i look at that conor i am reminded of that...
i never knew what to say to it i just stopped speaking and wanted to die.. i thought no one could understand what i've just been threw...
That is when the black came in... the hair the clothes the attitude it's all a self denfense against what happened... This image maybe even this character of evan siks was created to deal with what has happened and for 12 years it took over.. the black seeped out of my heart and onto my body created someone who i can't even realize i don't know why i went quite or took evan and put him in the hole but for once in my time I actually feel him coming out... but it's funny like the turtle when i feel the least bit threaten i go back into it and then i'm taken over.... it's exhausting to do it''' This war i have made has almost come to a end... one day i will be at peace with myself and it will make all the difference
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Interesting how i feel.... the world is ugly i am ugly and which i can't see the real in life... i come on here to see something that makes me heart stop alittle..... this is not what i want and i am not happy about it... i'm not happy that i'm walking down the darkest road i've ever seen.... and all i want to see if you down at the end but if you are down there are you even looking for me....
i'm trying not to shut down by it seems like it will only happen
i love you so much i hope you realize that.... even if you write that you don't feel it anymore
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Wednesday, April 15th, 2009
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Suffering is just a endless amount of people talking and yet your forced to listen to there idea's when you know what is in your head is true.... Everyone has some form of opinion but yet why the fuck do you all feel to share it cause i willing to bet at the mount the words leave you mouth the person already thinks something on there own.... i can't agree or disagree only feel bad that you think your always right and yet i will never think this.... You have a truth in yourself that only one person can see but yet i can never see it because my truth has become and will ever be differenlt from yours.... taste, smell, beauity, will always be a different thought... so why fight this we ask... because the modern day person is sturborn and believes that what they think is the best and what other think is worse.... my gun is way bigger so i am right... my penis is way bigger so i am stronger... your tits are way bigger so you are better... you face is way better looking so you are better.... what happen to thoughts what happen to conversation... when did that not become romantic... when did romance die..... theses are all things i wonder ....
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I come to the road which i decide at my age things need to change.. i have been fighting this battle that has never stopped since i am trying to be someone that maybe i'm not... i am that perfectionist that wants it all to be perfect but i am very far from this.... I take life way to seriously and i am way to hard on myself which inturn hurts those who are around me...I need to lighten up and try my hardest to be something and not think i can fix everything... When i get into a position where someone is hurting i try everything to fix it and i can't all the time and it kills me which inturns makes me feel like i failed and when i fail i go back to being the little boy with my parents and then my defenses come up and once that happesn god help anyone thats close to me... i am not perfect and i am just who i am and for a long time thats wasn't good enough for me and it has taken a tole on myself and those who are around me... i never try to be weak cause i hate the feeling but yet why should i... i protray this image who is not really me... i am weak and i am not strong but i have seen it and i have delt with that i have,,,, does this make me better there anyone or more imporant no... it makes me just evan and for the last nine years thats not been good enough and not been the best so i created this alter ego that had a ego... This person who not who i was and it's funny threw all these promo's i cut in necw i could never figure it out and be that because i was protraying someone who i am not... I think in the next week i will try to find out who i am and what i can do and maybe that will help my relationships with other people.... and make people not fear who i am but yet kinda want to talk to me....
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Tuesday, January 27th, 2009
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I feel betrayed by the people i work with in the biz called wrestling.... i have worked with the guys i worked with and i have done what i have but yet now something has arose and it's not a thank you for what you've done or a thanks for the help it's kinda more like a shun........
I almost died last night and i don't know how to tell anyone that...., I still don't understand my body and don't understand what the fuck it did but it almost got shut off permenantly.....
I just don't get it anymore
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Monday, January 26th, 2009
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apparently i am in a cage that i don't know what i can or can not say without any reaction.... people always wonder why i am nice because people can't take the truth they can't understand outside there own self what reality is... Sometimes i feel so alone within my own thoughts but even those thoughts are cloudy by the dark.... So when do you realize what is the truth and what is pain.. or could it be that those two things are in a relationship with one you get the other and it's always going to come hand and hand... It sucks i feel even though writing this someone will read it and not understand that this isn't a story this isn't my life this is just a thought.. a place when i can go and write because what my real head is saying is far to violent and aggresive for the world....
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Tuesday, January 20th, 2009
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Fuck fuck fuck dee fuck fuck
I seriously hate being in RI this is getting to much to handle lately..... it's funny though moving back in one way will be great well a couple of ways. one Tracy and baby both amazing... Two jamie, and her boyfriend nick.... Three family i guess but even that i don't want to be around that much... i need this change to finish who i am but there are alot of ties i need to settle while i'm still in The Ri like my sleeve and my issue with some people.....
i really have nothing more to say i just needed to get this off my chest
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Wednesday, September 10th, 2008
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Bleeding through really got how i've been feeling lately.. so i will use this to save me from writing
12. Revenge I Seek
Fuck your world and fuck your kind Go fuck yourself Youre fucking barely
alive I used to think of what you meant to me I think of you every fucking day Why
the fuck did i let you into my heart Now where do i begin Today is my last
fucking chance Erase it all and kill my past Fuck what we fucking said The
memories dont mean shit Dont give a fuck about what youll say The memories dont
mean shit, anymore Youre societys whore Anymore Ill walk through this wasteland
before ill ever fucking hold your hand again Ill burn forever before i ever
fucking see your face again, in hell Anymore And youre societys whore Anymore
Fuck you forever Ill despise you for the rest of these days Fuck you forever Ill
fucking hate you for the rest of my life Why the fuck did i let you into my
heart Now where do i begin Today is my last fucking chance Erase it all and kill
my past Fuck what we fucking said The memories dont mean shit Dont give a
fuck about what youll say The memories dont mean shit, anymore Youre societys
whore Anymore Revenge i seek
10. Insomniac
this day on never will I look back on you,
those memories are dormant
and every thought of you I'll see you in dreams,
please don't let me sleep again,
drop your eyes to the ground,
stay the fuck away from me.
those three words none existent forever you condemned,
in my perfect world your pain to me,
your pain as great as gold.
in my perfect, you were never there,
but your words ran stale and you were never there.
this time I swear.
there's hope for tomorrow,
you turned your eyes from me.
and now I'm stronger without you.
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Sometimes i miss the way things were
If you ever change your mind
About leavin', leavin' me behind
Oh, oh, bring it to me
Bring your sweet lovin'
Bring it on home to me, oh yeah
You know I laughed (ha ha) when you left
But now I know I've only hurt myself
Oh, oh, bring it to me
Bring your sweet lovin'
Bring it on home to me, yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)
I'll give you jewellery, money too
And that's not all, all I'll do for you
Oh, oh, bring it to me
Bring your sweet lovin'
Bring it on home to me, yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)
Yeah
You know I'll always be your slave
Till I'm dead and buried in my grave
Oh, oh, bring it to me
Bring your sweet lovin'
Bring it on home to me, yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)
If you ever change your mind
About leavin', leavin' me behind
Oh, oh, bring it to me
Bring your sweet lovin'
Bring it on home to me, yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)
Yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)
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Thursday, February 28th, 2008
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What the fuck do i have to do to get on your fucking radar....
I fucking bleed for you
i put shit out there that no one does.. i have done nothing but kill myself for this god dam bullshit...
What the fuck do i have to do.... Welcome to being underrated....
This bullshit all of you are bullshit and i fucking god dam sick of this shit
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Thursday, December 6th, 2007
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I had a dream.. I was married and i had a child... A little baby girl... She was so beautiful and she kissed me and it made me feel better then i have in months... All the pain went away and life was kinda nice... Nicer then it's been in a wWhile.... what could i do to go back to that dream of amazing ness... I woke up and realize i still in the same place... He;s still dead and there is still nothing i can do..... So last two years... i've lost 20 people and this is not including family....I lost them all to suicide.. car crashes, hit and runs,, drugs, alchol... cancer.... just all the great shit... I fucking hate my life... I don't know how i'm even walking around.... why i haven't done what my friends done,,,, someone told me it's because i'm tough and i will get over it.. Well i'm not tough.... i have bought a knife... Very unlike me and i Drank almost every day.... also unlike me.... I guess i'm just waiting to see the light in this black hole... but at this point i don't know how long i will last....
This is evan siks....Waiting
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Tuesday, September 25th, 2007
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In a lovers embrace
I was waiting for it ...
Wanting to feel your lips slide across mine
like everything to this world could burn
but you would only enlighten my heart
be the fuel that burns threw my blood
i would scream in a blissful momment but you could never know
a fit like no other
a movement that made everything perfect...
you could end this pain for me
you could let me release ...
Beautiful song that would never die
i love this for it is what i am
a poisonous kiss....
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Tuesday, September 18th, 2007
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obsession
As i wait, looking at you
i wonder if you could truly know what i could do
if only for this momment
for that split second
make you feel like there was no one in the world
A blissful thought of a passion that has been erased
No words like beautiful, amazing, or goddess could even describe you
You are perfect
your lips
you arms
your every motion
a stop in time as you walk by
This window will always remain open
If i could make you realize
if i could show you my love
you would understand
you would not look away...
i would kill for you
i would give my very last drop to you
i would die for you
because you are what finishes me
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Saturday, August 18th, 2007
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Things that are funny... most of you who read this i don't talk to anymore... and the other half of you who read this don't really care if i am alive... so whats the point to post on here no clue.. just maybe an update..... i live in a house with my girl and bryen.... yes bryen who still is my friend sometimes i wonder why but hey what are we going to do.... Yea and the other half don't talk to me anymore because they are talking to someone i don't get along with there for they can't talk to me.... oh yea some of you have babies now.... thats awesome and by awesome i mean no.... hahhahahha sucks for you.... but some of you are going to be great parents but most of you aren't because your not ready... shit i am not ready for guys i think you should start the hit yourself in the ball method it's fast easy slightly painful but yet amazing....hmmmmm not much more to say so go suck a dick you dumb coke whore and sluts and feast on your own vomit.....by your own i mean mine and by mine i mean poo but hey we all can't be safe.... Has anyone ever wished for a something deathly ill to happen to themselves why am i the only one who does that.... hey anyone know where i can get a rub and a tug,,,, hmmmm ...........i like periods that end nothing imporant.... Hey yo fat girl are you ticklish yea i called you fat look at me i'm skinny it never stop me from getting busy.....
ps i hope that i dream of death so that i don't have to wake up in your world you fucking pigs
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Wednesday, April 11th, 2007
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peace is not a option.......
So everyone and there mother have wrote on her how this world sucks and it sucks and they could scream and such all... so i feel i need to rant
i am a child of a generation that is born to die
with a ever escaping birth
a mind is one thing that someone can hold on to but never can control
you ask for what...
a gift
a solid moment
anything to make you forget that your human
i am you
i am with you
and i will forever be inside of you
i am you jar of tears
your bottle of rage
the acid that turns your body into a diease
in which you will not survive
i am the plague that has killed millions just with a single thought of suicide
i am drepression
which makes me the mondern day soilder that will never stop this war
between my mind and my heart
we will battle
i will die
but you will jump to the next teenager that parents weren't there
the single tear that runs down you face
the mother who knows not of his father cause she has seen so much
i've watch you blow it up your nose
i have shot it in my vien
What will kill me
not you
not anyone
but my own body
will end this ongoing fight.....
My fear of being Evan Thomas Hatch is that i will have a doctor tell me that i don't have much time as i lay in my bed shitting myself because i can't control my body anymore... i don't want that to happen
i want to be the master of my own destiny and go down fighting...
But i will not win this because this sicknes will kill me
I fear nothing but yet i have it all in my head..
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if you don't chew big red.....then fuck you
my g\f is amazing
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Wednesday, July 5th, 2006
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So here the fucking deal
that right i don't ever write on here at all
i miss my lady she'll be home in like 24 hours
i miss some people from my past but i won't say cause it's not like your thinking about me
gill you and i need to have a deep conversation like serious shit because i got alot of stuff on my mind.. so call me when you got the time....
basically i don't even know
i'm a big shit bag and i fucked up alot of peoples lifes and is that good or bad but because of me you are the way that you are
so basically i fucking made you i made what you are you took pieces of me and now you better so shut the fuck up........
thank you that is all evan siks....
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Wednesday, February 8th, 2006
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so besides the people who know and shelly i pretty much don't like the rest of you... lairs, fakes, shitty people... wake up.... yea you could be reading this and be like just another typical shit but you know what this life is made up of people who find a b\f and g\f and leave everyone behind... i do not do this jen does not do this bryen and katlyn do not do this so why the hell do the rest of you do this change or adapt to become what the other person wants... i want real not fake i want what true not what is shitty.... so guess what if i becoming distant there is a reason for this it's because i can't trust you anymore... and my lovely pete shea this is not you.. i love you as a bro... don't know what was wrong that night don't know why i called her to check up on her call it gut feeling but that has lead me to nothing ness... so pretty much one big fuck you to all... pretty funny huh you can call and try to talk to me but i sick of baby all your feelings.... so bye and i be on with my life as you should too..
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Tuesday, January 24th, 2006
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So big things here not really but kinda.... very happy with my heart and how she holds it and doesn't seem to want to let go only to make it mend and a little scotch tape could never hurt anyone .... well have to quit with the super glue for once but it's still pretty good to have someone so amazing that words could not describe the ever happiness i have.... so goth girl eat this see positive but still slightly emo... just in a good way
i got the biggest show of my year coming up feb 18 in quincy... i main eventing kinda going for the title.. i pretty stoked but also kinda worried i don't my abilty most of the time... but i am getting better and joining this gym could do alot for me beside take up good portion of my day.... oh yea go to trust kill to check out the new bleeding through video amazing... god i love horror movies....
with the happiness of a broken boy
evan
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Friday, December 30th, 2005
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guess what your weak and making your self look like a retard... but it's ok this is just coming from a rebound...but what is a rebound really wouldn't that mean it's a one time deal instead of a every night deal.. so confused but it's cool clyde you'll always be smooth in my book....
life is pretty good sending out to get my trunks soon... like 3 to 4 weeks... i been running alot... last night was fun jess and jen are always a great time.. hanging out after i work the black crows show tonight how am i so lucky to work shows like this...
hey i realize i don't like people who change to suit the person they are trying to date.. and i mean don't like really is hate.. you are perfect as you are why change it... why become someone you not like just provin a point that later on down the line you will be walk on... and no one derserve this....
so work hatebreed last night... show was so good sucked i couldn't dance it up with the boys but there really wasn't that many fight... just a really good time
evan siks
5. A Call For Blood
Your reign of terror is coming to an end
And all your victims' pain will be avenged
Taker of innocence, I want your demise
Tear you apart for the unspeakable things you tried to hide
I fucking hate you
Every bone in my body will ache
`Till I destroy everything you love
And fill your life with their pain
Ten long fucking years
I waited to erase all the memories
And you can't fucking stop me
My vengeance is finally born
Ten long fucking years
Your reign of terror is coming to an end
And I have no mercy for your soul
Your blood is on my hands
A call for blood
For what you've done
No tolerance (for what you've done)
A call for blood
For what you've done
No tolerance (for what you've done)
All their anguish, all their pain
All their nightmare, all their misery
It's all coming back to haunt you
Your time is up and you've no where to hide
(I fucking hate you...)
(Ten long fucking years...)
(A call for blood...)
No fucking tolerance.
Let the blood spill
Vengeance is born [x2]
A call for blood.
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